I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
