Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
