I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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