Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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