Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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