I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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