Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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