WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
what day is it and did you see me today?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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