if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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