When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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