Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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