You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i think i scared a bird with my dick
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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