Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
