ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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