Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
whose parrot is this?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
