I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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