If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
