...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
