this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
