and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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