ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
