Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
