i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
