the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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