Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
