i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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