i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it's like iHOP with fire
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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