If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
