one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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