I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
