dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
