The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
