I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
