life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
