oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
