i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
