new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
