You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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