Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
