If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
