I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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