My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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