Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
