My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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