I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
