I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
