Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
