What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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