my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
