I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
