I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
